Fear.... it a term that seems to come to my mind more and more as I get older.
When I was in college, I had no fear. No fear of what I did nor fear of what I was doing. I was head strong and strong willed. I knew what I wanted and I went after it. It was wonderful. Most of my friends never knew what I was going to say but they knew it was honest and that I would never lie to them. They knew if they needed advice, I was there. They also knew I was blunt and I said what I felt, they might not agree with it but I would put it on the table.
As I get older, fear creeps up on me. I don't really just say what I feel anymore. There always seem to be hurt feelings everywhere I look. I seem to annoy people with the attitude I use to have (did I always do that? I really have no idea? Maybe because I either never listened or no ever talked back/told me). I find that if I keep quiet and just listen, that I don't hurt people and they don't fear what might come out of my mouth. This kills me inside and never use too. I guess I have lost a lot of friends/people to my mouth and don't want to lose anymore. Is this good? Maybe there is a reason that I should say what I'm feeling? Maybe these people aren't/never were good friends? I really don't know anymore. I just know that I have alienated myself.
I now just walk away and deal by myself. I have NO problem doing things by myself, hell I travel for a living and basically live by myself. I can entertain myself and never have to talk to people. I don't have to socialize but maybe I should and maybe I should work at it? I'm not good at small talk, I can do it because I know how to break the ice but if someone doesn't continue the conversation, then it will just die. In college, I could talk your ear off and wouldn't think twice about it.... what has changed?
I find that people annoy me now, more than they use too. The internet is the internet but people feel they are the king/queen of a message board or a chat..... they think it's okay to be rude to people. It's very childish to me! I also find people in real life rude, as they will do the same thing. No it's not right to be a catty, no it's not right to be rude, but people are!
I also fear change.... I fear job change, I fear life changes, I fear a lot more than I use too and about everything. I doubt more too. I doubt I can do things.... things I could once do but now can not. I guess I didn't realize how things would change in such a short period of time..... who knew?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Random....
Random things
- YAY!!! So my body has "physically" passed the test with flying colors... We were able to financially get a loan and we have the social worker appt tonight. If she thinks we are okay, we are ready to choose a donor and get this thing moving. I'm SUPER excited and can't wait!!
- I wish I had a group of girls that I lived close with.... I think that's one thing I feel missing in my life. I have friends but no one SUPER close. There are some that I can talk to about anything and they are there to listen but really not close enough to have over for a glass of wine/etc.
- Everyone is selling in my neighborhood. We had heard the rumor but now it's becoming true. I know there is always turn over but it makes me sad. I know of one couple that has stopped paying their mortgage all together. This means it most likely will become a foreclosure/short sale :( They started building smaller houses and those houses have really decreased the value of our house. We really don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon unless Carl receives a job offer somewhere and there is housing/moving money.
- I am really going to miss my house -cleaner... she has done it since about 6 months after we moved in. It has always been worth it since I travel for a living and are never home but with the loan that we had to take out, we will have to say good-bye to her :(
- I'm addicted to the Army Wives series on Lifetime. I couple of weeks ago when it was suppose to snow it's ass off, I rented the first 3 seasons from the library. I know can't stop watching them. I'm on season 3 and have to find where I can get season 4. Season 5 starts in a couple of weeks.
- In less that 2 weeks I'm heading out for a girls week. We are going to Mardi Gras for Sunday night and then going on a cruise from Mon-Saturday. I'm sure it will be a blast and I can't wait for the WARM sun and beaches!!!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Welp it's been a while
Welp it's been a while since I last updated but that's life.... it gets in the way sometimes. January has been a busy month with work and social life. We had a ton of football parties because of the Raven's and then I was traveling back/forth to Dallas for work. I got to see some old friends (Tawna, Kat, Kelli, Angel and Tenna)... it was wonderful to catch and see what is going on with everyone these days. Time really does fly.
I have taken a little time off of work to stay home for a little while. That kind of goes into my next thing that's going on in our life.... Infertility (yes this is what rules my life at the moment, it's sad to say but it is). After moving onto the NJ clinic and having such craziness, we have decided to move onto Donor Egg (DE). We have known it was an option since September but I wanted to rule out other things first. I worked with a Ultrasound tech in Plano, Tx who finally worked and talked with me of my options. She showed me what she was seeing and what could really happen. Basically I have VERY small ovaries and not many follicles to produce eggs. (basically my ovaries are the size of someone in their 40's).... There is always a chance that I could get pregnant on my own but it's a VERY small percentage. I don't feel like putting out money every month for that small percentage so we made the decision a couple of weeks ago to move onto DE.
We had an appt on Friday with my dr and he started progressing me right along. My lining is fine, so he started me on shots on Friday and I have a Mock thing tomorrow morning to see if my body will be able to handle the procedure and if my lining will grow enough for us. If we get "approved" based on everything then we can pick our donor. We already started looking at donors a couple of weeks ago. It's kind of crazy and scary all at the same time. There are so many emotions to go with it. Financially it will be extremely hard but we'll deal. We were already paying a couple of hundred dollars in co-pays every month, so we will just be paying it towards a loan instead.
Nothing else is really going on.... We were debating on a vacation since I have 4 roundtrip Airtran tickets to use and also our timeshare to exchange with but we are in limbo until we find out timing of everything.
I did get new valances for my kitchen. I'm in love with them. They are from JCPenney and really match what we have. I would like to find a couple of panels to match them for our slider but I'm ok right now. I got the Chocolate Multi. I had removed all the crappy curtains a couple of months ago and bought faux white wood blinds. I LOVE the blinds because they let so much more light into the kitchen/sunroom. I'll post pictures soon.
Last announcement, I finally ordered my camera last night!!!!!!!!!!!! I had sold me old one a couple of weeks ago on Amazon. I decided on the Canon 7D. I CAN'T wait for it to come tomorrow. I'm SUPER excited and can't wait to play with it. My old camera was from 2006. So I'm sure there are a ton of features that I will have to learn. :)
I have taken a little time off of work to stay home for a little while. That kind of goes into my next thing that's going on in our life.... Infertility (yes this is what rules my life at the moment, it's sad to say but it is). After moving onto the NJ clinic and having such craziness, we have decided to move onto Donor Egg (DE). We have known it was an option since September but I wanted to rule out other things first. I worked with a Ultrasound tech in Plano, Tx who finally worked and talked with me of my options. She showed me what she was seeing and what could really happen. Basically I have VERY small ovaries and not many follicles to produce eggs. (basically my ovaries are the size of someone in their 40's).... There is always a chance that I could get pregnant on my own but it's a VERY small percentage. I don't feel like putting out money every month for that small percentage so we made the decision a couple of weeks ago to move onto DE.
We had an appt on Friday with my dr and he started progressing me right along. My lining is fine, so he started me on shots on Friday and I have a Mock thing tomorrow morning to see if my body will be able to handle the procedure and if my lining will grow enough for us. If we get "approved" based on everything then we can pick our donor. We already started looking at donors a couple of weeks ago. It's kind of crazy and scary all at the same time. There are so many emotions to go with it. Financially it will be extremely hard but we'll deal. We were already paying a couple of hundred dollars in co-pays every month, so we will just be paying it towards a loan instead.
Nothing else is really going on.... We were debating on a vacation since I have 4 roundtrip Airtran tickets to use and also our timeshare to exchange with but we are in limbo until we find out timing of everything.
I did get new valances for my kitchen. I'm in love with them. They are from JCPenney and really match what we have. I would like to find a couple of panels to match them for our slider but I'm ok right now. I got the Chocolate Multi. I had removed all the crappy curtains a couple of months ago and bought faux white wood blinds. I LOVE the blinds because they let so much more light into the kitchen/sunroom. I'll post pictures soon.
Last announcement, I finally ordered my camera last night!!!!!!!!!!!! I had sold me old one a couple of weeks ago on Amazon. I decided on the Canon 7D. I CAN'T wait for it to come tomorrow. I'm SUPER excited and can't wait to play with it. My old camera was from 2006. So I'm sure there are a ton of features that I will have to learn. :)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year - 2011
Welp it's a new year!!! I'm really glad to see 2010 go. It's been a long year and a lot of heartache but hoping 2011 is better...
Christmas was good. Dad went into the hospital back on 12/18. We were suppose to go to dinner for my birthday dinner. Mom called and said dad wasn't feeling good at all. So we canceled. She called back later that evening and said that the ambulance was at the house and they were taking dad to the hospital. He had 104 temperature. Well they admitted him and he stayed there almost 6 days until 12/23 when they finally released him. He had an infection in his leg and until they could get that under control and his temperature to go down he wouldn't be able to go home. It was a LONG week. I had work to do at home, plus all the christmas crap, etc. It was good that he came home in time for Christmas and he is doing much better.
Christmas was busy like usual but I'm glad it was over. Carl treated me very well this year!! I LOVE my new watch and photography studio stuff. I also got a kindle for my birthday! It's super nice!
A couple of days after Christmas we headed to a new clinic for a second opinion. The new doctor was nice and in NJ. He's willing to work with us and it should be interesting. We are going to keep our fingers crossed (again). So we'll see what happens. I'm going to take some time off traveling at the end of January to help with the stress of everything( bloodwork/ultrasounds every other day doesn't help with traveling).
NYE we spent at Carl's aunt. We were going to go downtown but I decided to cancel because I have been really down and Carl has been really sick. It was the normal stuff but it was a lot of fun!!
Welp that's a wrap. I'll be in Dallas for the next 4 weeks. 3 weeks at a client and 1 week for a work conference. It will be the first time my whole team has been together in one room. It should be a lot of fun!!!! Can't wait!
Christmas was good. Dad went into the hospital back on 12/18. We were suppose to go to dinner for my birthday dinner. Mom called and said dad wasn't feeling good at all. So we canceled. She called back later that evening and said that the ambulance was at the house and they were taking dad to the hospital. He had 104 temperature. Well they admitted him and he stayed there almost 6 days until 12/23 when they finally released him. He had an infection in his leg and until they could get that under control and his temperature to go down he wouldn't be able to go home. It was a LONG week. I had work to do at home, plus all the christmas crap, etc. It was good that he came home in time for Christmas and he is doing much better.
Christmas was busy like usual but I'm glad it was over. Carl treated me very well this year!! I LOVE my new watch and photography studio stuff. I also got a kindle for my birthday! It's super nice!
A couple of days after Christmas we headed to a new clinic for a second opinion. The new doctor was nice and in NJ. He's willing to work with us and it should be interesting. We are going to keep our fingers crossed (again). So we'll see what happens. I'm going to take some time off traveling at the end of January to help with the stress of everything( bloodwork/ultrasounds every other day doesn't help with traveling).
NYE we spent at Carl's aunt. We were going to go downtown but I decided to cancel because I have been really down and Carl has been really sick. It was the normal stuff but it was a lot of fun!!
Welp that's a wrap. I'll be in Dallas for the next 4 weeks. 3 weeks at a client and 1 week for a work conference. It will be the first time my whole team has been together in one room. It should be a lot of fun!!!! Can't wait!
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