fear

Fear.... it a term that seems to come to my mind more and more as I get older.

When I was in college, I had no fear.  No fear of what I did nor fear of what I was doing.  I was head strong and strong willed.  I knew what I wanted and I went after it.  It was wonderful.  Most of my friends never knew what I was going to say but they knew it was honest and that I would never lie to them.  They knew if they needed advice, I was there.  They also knew I was blunt and I said what I felt, they might not agree with it but I would put it on the table.

As I get older, fear creeps up on me.  I don't really just say what I feel anymore.  There always seem to be hurt feelings everywhere I look.  I seem to annoy people with the attitude I use to have (did I always do that?  I really have no idea?  Maybe because I either never listened or no ever talked back/told me).   I find that if I keep quiet and just listen, that I don't hurt people and they don't fear what might come out of my mouth.  This kills me inside and never use too.  I guess I have lost a lot of friends/people to my mouth and don't want to lose anymore.  Is this good?  Maybe there is a reason that I should say what I'm feeling?  Maybe these people aren't/never were good friends?  I really don't know anymore.  I just know that I have alienated myself.

I now just walk away and deal by myself.  I have NO problem doing things by myself, hell I travel for a living and basically live by myself.  I can entertain myself and never have to talk to people.  I don't have to socialize but maybe I should and maybe I should work at it?  I'm not good at small talk, I can do it because I know how to break the ice but if someone doesn't continue the conversation, then it will just die.  In college, I could talk your ear off and wouldn't think twice about it.... what has changed?

I find that people annoy me now, more than they use too.  The internet is the internet but people feel they are the king/queen of a message board or a chat.....  they think it's okay to be rude to people.  It's very childish to me!  I also find people in real life rude, as they will do the same thing.  No it's not right to be a catty, no it's not right to be rude, but people are!

I also fear change....  I fear job change, I fear life changes, I fear a lot more than I use too and about everything.  I doubt more too.  I doubt I can do things.... things I could once do but  now can not.  I guess I didn't realize how things would change in such a short period of time.....  who knew?